1 SAMUEL 17
Anyhow, one day there were this right to do, between Philistines on one hand and Saul's army on t'other. T'old Philistines were camped art between Socoh in Judah and Azekah in a spot called Ephes-dammim. So Saul like, he goes and puts lots of his men in at Elah Valley. So Philistines and Israelis were facing each other across this ravine like, with one lot on one hill side and one lot on t'other.
Then this bloke called Goliath, he were a Philistine bloke from Gath, and he comes art of Philistines ranks and faces up to forces of Israel. Bold as brass he were an'all. And he were a big bloke, am not kiddin luv. He were at least three metres in height and he wore this huge bronze helmet and a massive coat of chain mail and these like bronze leggin things and he had a javelin what were massive with a great big heavy spear'ead on it.
Anyhow, he goes and stands on top of this hill and he starts mouthin off at Israelis who were on t'other side.
"Nar then!" he shouts. "Nar then! Does tha need a whole army to settle this or what luv," he says and he were struttin up and darn like a bantam cock he were. "I'll be bloke what fights for Philistines, and tha can choose someone to fight for tha piddlin lot, and we can settle it reet here and nar wi' just two on us."
And, daft as owt, it were a good idea cos it'd save a lot of folk dying only there were a snag cos this Goliath bloke he says,
"If your bloke can kill me then we'll be thi slaves. But if I kill him then tha's in big trouble cos tha's got to be slaves for us like." And he gets right mad then and says, "Come on then pal! Send someone to beat me and I'll kick their 'eads in! Send us someone to fight then!"
When Saul and rest on 'em heard this they were right unsettled they were. Nar abart this time there were this lad called David, and he had seven older brothers and three eldest had already volunteered to join Saul's army. And this David, he were sort of working part time for Saul so he were back and forth from army a good bit to see his Dad and Mam ont farm. Well, after this Goliath bloke had strutted back and forth shouting his head off for fotty days, Dave's Mam says to him,
"Aye up luv," she says. "Tek us this grain and loaves and stuff to thi brothers what's ont battle field. And tha can tek this cheese for that nice Captain and let us know how they're getting on like. And whilst tha's at it tha can get boys to write. Dunt tek five minutes to write a letter to their Mam tha knows. Tha'd think they couldn't write or summat way they don't write to their Mam."
So David sets off to tek all this gubbins to his brothers. And just as he gets to camp they're all setting art to go to battle field for day, and shouting and mekkin a din like what you do when you're in an army, so David goes along.
Well afore long Philistines and Israelis were facing each other and David's rushing abart at front on it all, looking for his brothers, and as he's talking wi' em he sees this huge bloke step art from Philistines and start mouthing off again. And a lot of Israelis were right frightened and ran away on account of this bloke being so huge.
"Look at size on that!" some of 'em were saying. "Built like a brick house!" they said, or summat like that anyhow. "And he's insulted t'old army of Israel," someone else said. "And as thy heard abart reward what king is offering to anyone who can duff that big bloke in? King says he'll give away one of his daughters and tha dunt aft to pay taxes nor nowt ever again."
Nar David were right interested in this and he says,
"Tha what? Tha'll get what? Who's this big bloke anyhow?"
And when David's brother heard what David were saying he knew what he were abart and he says to David, he says,
"What's tha doing here anyhow? Tha's supposed to be at home looking after sheep. Tha's a reet big'ead just wanting to come and have a look at battle."
And David says, "Blimey. Tha's always on at me. What've I done nar? I were only asking a question." And he walks away and asked a few more folk same thing and when it were plain what David had in mind they told Saul and Saul sends for David.