Yorkshire Bible Stories by David Hallamshie
SAMSON
JUDGES.
Anyhow there was this bloke called Samson, right. He was a great
big bloke what'd been upsetting these Philistine blokes and they
were art to get 'im.
Anyhow, Samson only falls in love with this girl called Delilah
dunt he? And she were big trouble.
So, these blokes who were heads of Philistines goes to Delilah
like and they say she's got to tell 'em how to mek Samson right
weak and soft so's they can beat him up a bit, cos he'd been
getting right up their noses recently.
"We'll give thi four hundred quid for job lot luv,"
they say. "Just get ol' muscle brains to tell thi what meks
him strong and jobs a good un."
So Delilah, she goes to Samson and she says,
"Nar then luv," she says. "Nar then luv. What's
secret of thi strength then or what? Cos no-one has captured thi
like, if you get me meaning," she says.
"Aye, by eck, happen," says Samson. "If tha ties
me up wi' seven raw leather bow strings like, I go all
weak."
So, Philistines, they only go an get her some bow strings don't
they? And while Samson is letting rip wi' his snoring she tied
him up. And there were some blokes hiding and when she'd got him
trussed up good an proper she starts yelling,
"Nar then! Samson! Philistines are here!"
And Samson goes, "Eh yer what?" and he snaps bow
strings no bother so Philistines leg it double quick back to pub.
And Delilah says, afterwards like, she says,
"Are tha trying to mek me look daft or what," she says.
"Tha's telling fibs aren't tha. Nar tell me how tha can get
captured."
"Well," says Samson. "If tha ties me up wi brand
new ropes I'll be weak as owt. Honest luv."
So this time when Samson were clapped art sleeping she goes and
gets some ropes and ties him up again. And Philistines had come
back from pub and were hiding again, and Delilah says,
"Nar then! Samson! Philistines are here!"
And Samson goes," Hmph what! What's tha wake me up
for!" Cos he was so strong he just snapped ropes dead easy
and Philistines ran away again.
"Tha's mekkin a fool on me," Delilah says all weepy and
soppy. "Tha said tha'd go all weak if tha were tied wi'
ropes. And it were a lie weren't it. Nar tell me how tha can be
captured."
Nar, tha'd have thought Samson might have twigged summat were up
by nar, but he weren't over clever weren't Samson. So he says,
"Well luv. If that sticks me 'air in t'old weaving loom and
weave it a bit well that'll do trick and no messing."
So she does dun't she and that dun't work either so Delilah's
getting pretty chuffed off bi nar.
"How can tha say tha loves me," Delilah starts crying,
cos women do that when they aren't getting their own way.
"How can tha say tha loves me," she starts whinging on
like, "when tha won't tell me what meks thi so strong."
And she goes on and on and on like they do when they want
bathroom painting and that, and she nags him till he's well
chuffed off wi' it, and he says,
"Look!," he says. "Shut thi gob for a bit woman.
Tha's wearing me ears art."
And she says all coy and femminine like, as she's twiddling his
hair, she says,
"Sammy Wammy," she says, "If my ickle wickle Sammy
Wammy will just tell me what makes him so strong...then I'll shut
me gob abart it."
And Samson says,
"For crying out loud," he says. "Look. If tha
wants to know it's like this luv. What makes me so strong is 'cos
me hair hasn't bin cut for yonks an if I have me 'air cut it'll
mek me all soppy and weak. Nar get off me back will tha. Where's
me supper?"