The Yorkshire (version of ) Exodus by David Hallamshire
IS BACK IN PRINT!
Copies of this book can be bought from www.lulu.com/hallamshire
This book was a follow-up to the very popular Yorkshire Bible Stories (still available from Fleming Press) and is the biblical account of Exodus told in Yorkshire dialect with cartoons by Colin Eyre.
ALSO COMING SOON TO WWW.LULU.COM/Hallamshire The Yorkshire Fables by David Hallamshire. Check the Lulu link in a few weeks and it should be available.
Here's a little sample of Exodus to be going on with.
One day Moses were art and abart tending to sheep at edge of desert near Horeb when dead sudden like this bush sets on fire."By eck!" says Moses. "A burning bush what int burning."
"Aye up Moses," says
this Angel of God who were int bush. "How's tha bin?"
"Aye up Angel," says Moses. "What's tha want?"
"Don't come any closer," says Angel. "Else tha'll get thi sen scorched bi power of God. And tha can tek thi shoes off an'all while tha's at it cos tha's on Holy ground."
Well Moses were fair taken aback I can tell thi. Int every day what a Angel appears in a bush is it? And he were so scared as he daren't look.
"Nar then," Angel says. He were talking for God see so he says, "I am God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, tha knows."
And then he says, dead serious like, he says,
"I've seen what's bin goin on in Egypt like, and I've come to put record straight. Am goin to tek people of Israel out on Egypt and tek 'em to a place what's got land flowing wi' milk and honey and all that stuff. This is place where Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites live. I've heard them Israel lot weepin' and that," says Angel. "And I know what them Egyptians have bin up to. So am goin to send thi to Pharaoh and tha's goin to demand as he lets 'em all go."
Well Moses blinks a bit nar dunt he.
"Tha must be joking!" says Moses. "Am not man for a job like that!"
And God says,
"Stop whittlin Moses. Am goin to be with thi so don't fret. And when tha gets free tha can come and worship me on this mountain here."
Well Moses has a think abart this, like tha would, and he says,
"If I go to people of Israel and tell 'em that God's sent me they'll say, 'Gi'ooer! What God are tha talking abart?' And then where will I be eh?"
"Tell 'em that I Am has sent thi."
"I am what?" says Moses.
"I am The I Am," says God.
"Shall we start at beginning," says Moses. "Only tha's lost me somewhere."
"Just...just tell 'em Moses! Tell 'em that t'old God of their ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob has sent thi. Get all t'old folk, them elders of Israel and tell 'em abart Jehovah appearing to thi in a bush and that I telt thi to tell 'em as I've seen what's bin goin on. And I'm goin to rescue 'em and tek 'em to a land wi' milk and honey and stuff."
"Oh ah," Moses says. "I can imagine how that'll go darn."
"Ah well," says God. "Let me finish. Them elders have got to go wi' thi to King of Egypt and tell him Jehovah, God of Hebrews has met thi and told thi to go three days out into desert and mek a sacrifice and tha wants permission to go. "
Well Moses weren't dead chuffed abart this I can tell thi and God tells him a bit more.
"King of Egypt's dead stubborn and he'll not let thi go less he's under a bit of pressure like. So I'll put pressure on him summat rotten. I'll duff up Egypt a bit and by time am through they'll be giving thi gold and food and all manner of stuff just to see back of thi."
Well Moses has a think abart all this and he still int happy.
"They won't believe me will they? They'll think am reet rarnd bend if I tell 'em I saw God in a bush."
"Ah well, we'll soon sort that," says God. "See that shepherd's staff tha's holding?"
"Throw it darn ont ground."
And as soon as it hit ground it turned into a snake!
"Chuffin' hell a snake!" says Moses and he legged it.
"Nar pick it up by it's tail," says God.
"Thee pick it up," says Moses.
"Nar stop messin abart Moses," says God. "Pick it up."
So Moses, dead careful like, he grabs this snake by its tail and quick as owt it were a wooden staff again.
"By eck," says Moses. "That were a good'un."
"That's nowt," says God. "Tha wants to see what I can do wi' bread and fish. But...anyhow. If tha does that wi' stick then they'll believe thi. And if that dunt convince 'em then put thi hand inside thi shirt."
Well Moses does this and waits a bit.
"Nar pull it art again," says God. And when Moses pulled it art again it were all white wi' leprosy and that put wind up Moses I can tell thi. Then God told him to do it again and when he pulled it art again it were good as new.
"And if they don't believe them two miracles then cop a load of this one. This is one of me favourites," says God. "Tek some water from river Nile and pour it onto dry land and it'll turn to blood."
Well Moses were impressed but he still weren't happy.
"Am just not right man for job luv," says Moses. "I ant got a way wi' words and I can't speak to loads of folk. I get nervous and me gob goes all wobbly."
"Gi'ooer!" says God. "Int it me what meks gobs? Int it me what meks a man speak reet well or not? Nar get thi sen off and do as I telt thi and I'll help thi to speak well."
"Am not reet happy abart this," says Moses. "Can't tha send someone else."
"By eck Moses!" says God. He were getting angry nar. "Tha dunt arf go on! I'll tell thi what. Thi brother Aaron has a good gob on him. I'll tell thi what to do and tha can tell Aaron and then he can tell folk. How's that suit thi?"
"Ah, fair enough," says Moses. "But there's folk in Egypt who want me dead."
"Don't fret abart that," says God. "They all snuffed it a long time back."
And so off he goes wi' his staff and he tells his father inlaw Reuel abart goin back to Egypt to see a few relatives. (Abart fotty thousand by all accounts.) And t'old man gives him permission to tek his lass and a donkey or two. And so Aaron and Zipporah and Moses wi' his 'Staff of God' all set off back to Egypt.
When they got there they got all them elders of Israel to have a reet big council meeting. Aaron told 'em what Jehovah had said to Moses and Moses went and showed 'em that business wi' stick and t'old leprosy.
And they were impressed I can tell thi. They went darn ont knees straight off and they were all praying like good'uns.
Then comes exciting bit see. They all marched off and went to see Pharaoh. And they told him straight.
"We come wi' a message from Jehovah, God of Israel! And He says, Let my people go cos they've got to go art and mek a sacrifice int desert like."
"Is that so!" Pharaoh says. He weren't much bothered by all this lot. "And who's this Jehovah bloke that I should listen to him eh? I don't know nobody called Jehovah and I'll not let people of Israel go anywhere neither."
But Aaron and Moses kept on at him.
"God of Israel met us," they said.
"Oh ah," says Pharaoh. "Where?"
"In a bush."
"In a bush!" Pharaoh says, and he has a job on not to laugh. "Tha's telling me tha's got a God what hangs abart in a bush?"
"Aye, well, but that's not important. We've got to tek a three day trip into wilderness and mek a sacrifice to God. If we don't obey we're in big bother."
Well Pharaoh weren't having none of this.
"Get thi sen off back to work! Who does tha think tha's kiddin wi' all this Jehovah stuff."
And as soon as they'd gone Pharaoh tells his task masters to mek Israelis really sweat and mek 'em work twice as hard as normal.
"They must have nowt to do or they wouldn't be goin on abart daft things like goin art to wilderness to mek sacrifices. Don't give 'em any more straw for bricks but mek sure they come up wi' right quota. That'll keep 'em occupied. That'll teach 'em to listen to them trouble makers Aaron and Moses."
Well over next few days them Egyptians gave Hebrews a right pasting. They were whipping 'em and hitting 'em and shouting abart quotas all time.
"Tha's got to mek same number of bricks as before!" they shouted. "But tha's getting no more straw so it's just tough intit luv."
And it got so bad as foremen went to see Pharaoh.
"Tha can't keep treating us like this," they said. "We ant got no straw so we can't mek same number of bricks and then them taskmaster blokes lay into us wi' whips and stuff. It int right."
And Pharaoh says,
"Well that's just tough luck me old luv," he says dead smarmy. "Tha can't have enough to do or tha wouldn't be on abart daft things like goin to desert to mek a sacrifice. Nar get this sen off afore I lose me temper."
Then when foremen saw Moses and Aaron they had narks on and they set abart 'em.
"Tha's a right daft chuff thee," they said. "Tha's dropped us right in it wi' Pharaoh goin an abart goin to mek a sacrifice. Tha's give him excuse to kill all job lot on us."
Nar Moses were a bit upset abart this, as tha would be, and he has a chat wi' God again.
"Nar then," says Moses. "What's tha go and send me here for if tha's goin to do nowt? How can tha treat thi own folk like this? It int right. There weren't no point sending me here int first place. Since I've gone and told Pharaoh what tha said he's bin like a bear wi' a sore bum. There's folk getting beat up every day and tha's done nowt."
But God weren't bothered by all this cos He had a plan and He knew what He were doing. And when God's got a plan tha'd best watch thi sen.
"Now tha'll see what am goin to do to Pharaoh," He says. "Am goin to force him to let thi go. He'll want thi to go so bad he'll kick thi art of Egypt. I am Jehovah, God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob and I promised 'em I'd make land of Canaan theirs and I will an'all. So get thi sen off and tell descendants of Israel that am goin to use me power to mek miracles and get 'em out of slavery. And then they'll know as I'm Jehovah who rescued 'em from Egyptians."
So Moses goes off again and he tells all folk what he'd bin told only no?one would listen to him cos they thought he were daft. It were cos of him that Egyptians were laying into 'em every day so they weren't inclined to listen to owt else he might have to say like.
And then God has a chat wi' Moses again and tells him to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let people of Israel go. But Moses, quite rightly in my book, he says,
"Why's Pharaoh goin to listen to me? He teks no notice of owt I say."
Then Moses starts goin on abart Passover an'all. He tells folk all abart stuff what God had told him to tell 'em.
"This is day tha'll remember forever! It's day we left Egypt and slavery cos God did them miracles. And remember that when tha's celebrating Passover tha's not to use none of that yeast stuff. So mek a note in thi diaries that it's at end of March each year. That's when God set us off for land of Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Hivites, and Jebusites. It's land what was promised to us fathers and has milk and honey and all that stuff.
"For seven days," says Moses, "tha's not to eat owt wi' yeast and ont seventh day that can stuff thi faces. Oh ah, and summat else. When God brings us to land He's promised us tha's to dedicate all first born sons to God and all first born male animals. And int future when children ask, 'Nar then Dad. What's all this reet boring Passover clap trap?' Tha can tell 'em straight. Tha can give 'em a clip rarnd ear'oil for a start and tell 'em, 'It's to mark when God brought us art on Egypt son. He med miracles what'd mek thi hair curl and if it weren't for Him we'd still be in Egypt mekkin bricks wi' straw so shut thi gob and help thi Gran cut her lamb up.'"
"And tha can tell 'em that it were cos Jehovah killed all first born Egyptian sons as we now dedicate all our first born sons to God."
Well, t'old people of Israel travelled along a bit and they dint go rarnd by way of Philistines which were quicker cos they'd have had to fight all way through see, so God sends 'em through t'old Red Sea wilderness area instead.
And while they were abart it Moses took bones of Joseph with 'em cos Joseph had med 'em promise to tek his bones art on Egypt when they got free. So they did.
After they left Succoth they camped art at Etham on edge of wilderness and God give 'em a thing to follow. It were this pillar of cloud during day and at night it become a pillar of fire so's everyone could see reet well even when it were dark.
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